This morning I found myself contemplating the difference between being lonely and being aware that I am alone. “Loneliness” has a yearning aspect to it. When I am lonely that usually means that I am by myself (either physically or emotionally), and don’t like that situation. I want to have someone in my life. This might be a person, a pet, or just a bunch of people as in a party. It “feels” bad, feels like something I would like to “fix”. Sometimes it is a desire to be distracted, sometimes it is a desire to be heard and perhaps understood. Sometimes it is just boredom, not really loneliness at all. In any case, it is usually has very negative experience because it has a large amount of wanting there to be another now. This desire can escalate until it takes on the experience of “panic” – or sometimes claustrophobia. Luckily for me, I am very rarely “lonely” regardless of how many people are around. It turns out that being lonely can happen just as easily, perhaps more easily, when there are people around but I am not “connecting” with them. It has nothing to do with “them” – it is all about me and how I experience the situation.

Being alone, however, can have a very different feel about it. As I have aged, I have come to more clearly understand that we are always alone. At the bottom of it all, we are alone with ourselves in this world. There might be other people (or animals), but they are always “over there” – they are always just fleeting images and experiences. For example, we might be totally engaged with a dear friend, or a lover, for a period of time – but then things change and that person is only a memory. Perhaps they die, perhaps you have a falling out, perhaps they just move away and we never seem to have time to re-connect. In any case, we are still there – as always, by ourselves.

If I am careful to avoid confusing “being alone” with “being lonely” – then I realize that it isn’t a bad thing, or a good thing, it is just life. I actually have no choice. I was born alone, will travel through my life alone, and will die alone. Sure, there will be helpers, lovers, enemies, friends, and others – but I am fundamentally alone all of the time. There is a kind of melancholy that comes with this realization.

I notice the melancholy particularly on those rare occasions when I meet someone that I “resonate” with. Sometimes I meet a person that just “clicks” with me. We like each other, can talk about any topic with glee, and just feels right. At those times I also notice a vague melancholy because I know that it isn’t going to last. There will be a time when that person, or that feeling of connection, will be gone. The moments that I am so thoroughly enjoying will be fleeting memories – that is just how it is.

I am finding that this understanding of being alone is just fine. It is not something to run away from (there is no escape even if I tried). The joyful, and “fun” part of this is the realization that I am in charge, I can chose. There is actually nobody else and I can chose to live however I want. Personally, I like to live in wonder and curiosity – while having fun most of the time. It is my choice – that is how I chose to do it. I want to be silly, but serious, unpredictable but dedicated, I like to work on things that I don’t think I can do – and often don’t ever accomplish. I like living with a lot of contradictions. I like to enjoy life. I see some people who seem to chose to live in misery, and I wonder why. Why would a person chose a path like that?