Old Gum Trees Abide

Bill Fell 6/25/20 and 7/3/20

There is a Buddhist practice called “Aimless Wandering.”  But for the undisciplined practitioner, the discursive thought process is seldomly interrupted.  No problem; write a poem.

Shiny burnt-orange rivulets of resin,
Of ooze, they steal my eye
A sap sickle breaks off with a helping hand  
So what now? . . . Is it the same tree?

Where I grew up, these guys all
Dropped their layers of thin tan skin
Tons of long pink pointy leaves, messy, aromatic
Seasons of shed.  Here instead,

We’ve got rough thick canyons of dark bark
Parallel ridges of deep death, 
Bluffs shade gorges hugging their host
Having settled in for a long haul; and

Leaves, fair-er-hued, more bulbous than I recall
Soaking up this ambient heat, and no
I’m not smelling IT.   But aren’t those old aromas
Merely illusions of my past?

No roots sticking up, neither then nor now
Both eucalyptus situations barren of undergrowth
Little question who rules these clusters of earth . . .
But for how long?  For any of us?

Stop, stare, notice the discrete moments of me
Of all we non-native species.  And
For this afternoon, I still have a bike path to walk
Amongst the blessed patches of shade.
 


 

Covid Series

Bill Fell 3/25/20 and 4/11, 26/20 and 7/3/20

This poem in multiple parts began March 25, 2020 and part 7 was written on February 25, 2021. It’s been a long year.


1.

First TP run up to Woodland
  Sudden signs of a new time
    Symptoms appearing

2.

A shear burnt-orange linen tube stretched overhead
This “collar” then pulled back up; masks in-breath, out-breath
Reaffix glasses and ready, to mix minds and hearts; a
Mild itch upper cheek, below lower lip 

Fetching Ibuprophen for Marian at CVS,
Scarved to the hilt; my fellows similarly clad
Albeit in stylized masks of shapes and colors
Just like me, and not 

Forgetting to check the TP -- paper towels shelf,
Just another thread I choose to study from my perch
Mild itch at the nose bridge, cheeks; no fog
Just as it is 

What’s changed in this cashier’s life, I ask?  Besides
Plexy-glass separators, the “stay-back” stripes on the carpet
Grabbing the receipt, out the door to perfect Spring
. . .  but for the lack of rain and snow this Winter

Calm abiding and paths of non-rejecting; possible
Studies and practices during this lockdown
Blessed be the teachers, students and hosts, and
The servers of essential services 

Sincere appreciations amongst all the stresses
These bourgeois sufferings being my lot
A shifting scene of storylines, insubstantial, but
Only when I will allow this inspiration

3.

Washing hands?  Sure, and I’ll have my own towel
    Thanks for the nudge
Wearing a mask?  Sure, but I’m a slow adopter
    I dress for the middle  
Staying put?  Sure, another habit to suspend
    I don’t lack for ways to connect  

4.

So enters the clown-in-chief
    Where will he take us today?
        We’re living in a meme-fest

5.

Getting up to leave 
Bending down to drop a kiss
Atop a dear mom’s head.
Caught in my own drama
I let distancing lapse, unilaterally
Redefining our germ circle

Driving off . . . .  OUCH
Second thoughts, best thoughts?

6.

—–Forwarded Message—–

On Feb 14, 2021, at 6:17 PM, Bill Fell <bill….@*****> wrote:

Hi Alex,
Any update on your dad?  Also, I’m in contact with Darleen T….. and will let her know the status in case Harvey asks.  The three of us all worked at PERS together in the 70’s.
Bill

—– Forwarded Message —–

On Feb 14, 2021, at 6:20 PM, Alexander <****@…..> wrote:

Bill,

I do have sad news to report. As of 5:30 PST today Harvey passed away due to COVID complications. 

-Alex

—– Forwarded Message —–

 On Feb 14, 2021, at 8:59 PM, Bill Fell <bill….@****> wrote:

Wow.  Alex, I am so sorry to hear of this.  

Your dad was a good man.  He hired me into State service 46 years ago this week, and he was my first supervisor.  He taught me a lot during the five years we worked together at the retirement system.  Harvey was the opposite of the sycophant.  He pissed off our Division Chief and other management by taking the side of the retirement applicant in his interpretation of the Public Employees Retirement Law.  And Harvey new the benefits portion of the PERL possibly better than anyone in the department.  Despite his knowledge and his commitment to the members, he was not rewarded by his superiors who held the reins for promotions.  We had many conversations over the years about his attitude (sarcasm?) and his unwillingness to leave it alone.  I respected him for that as did most of his peers.  He was a good manager and a great boss.

Aside from office politics, our political leanings were identical which was critical to keeping in contact over the years.  I will miss our lunches.  Also, we always talked about our respective household situations, and I think my advice was always heard and uniformly ignored, which is probably for the best.  His connection with you was no doubt the best aspect of his life, Eleanor and Alex.  I’m sorry the two of you will never get to England together, as given his obvious mobility issues, I suspected that would have been his last visit to his beloved Great Britain.

Let me know if you have any needs.  And thank you Alex for being a good kid to my dear friend.  

Bill       

7.
Vaccinations

A snake of sedans slithers
  Through pilons, and lime and green vests
    Spirited volunteers, compliant citizens
      Smiles and thank you’s all around 

We of the herd, heard the call
  Here we are getting in line
    Spouses CAN get shot in a single lap
      Blessed be the rule breakers

Avoidable Stress

Bill Fell 3/8 – 9/20

When asked to represent the Buddhist “faith” in front of the Unitarian Church’s two Sunday morning gatherings, one learns how difficult it is to explain the Mahayana view of “wisdom” in a VERY short time.  So, start with the “two truths,” and end with our opening liturgy four-liner and pray that I can somehow link these two teachings.  But why do I stress over it all?

For Rev. Beth Banks and Cliff Ohmart of Unitarian – Universalist (or “UUians”), Anne Kjemtrup of Davis Engagement and Interfaith Network (DEIN) , and the piano player

Explain “wisdom” in ten minutes
  OK, set some goals, imagine outcomes; speak
    Do the best you can
      It will all be over soon, and then . . . 

Brevity being the soul of wit ,* I’m finding
  The shorter the talk
    The longer the prep
      Everything’s left unspoken

Awakened at 3AM
  Got it! the perfect second sentence
    Capture it this instant, or just
      Stay; risk letting it go

While teaching on emptiness, and 
  Obsessing on ordering a few bullets; ah
      The irony and vanity of the aspiring bodhisattva
          Wisdom is seeing the movie, the pause 

Walkers, canes, name-tagged regulars
  Filling the lobby, the sanctuary
    Not exactly like first day of kindergarten
      Confusion any of us?  
        “May it dawn as wisdom” *

*Four Dharmas of Gampopa are:

Grant your blessings so that my mind may be one with the dharma.
Grant your blessings so that dharma may progress along the path.
Grant your blessings so that the path may clarify confusion.
Grant your blessings so that confusion may dawn as wisdom.

Myriad Triads

Bill Fell 1/17 – 18/20

So what happens to a controversial conversation (read: sensitive, heated debate) when one’s teacher, respected by many, enters the fray?  Turns out, probably not much changes, as this merely adds one more story line that either reinforces our own view, or somehow less likely, opens up the discussion by offering an alternative storyline.

For Ani Pema Chodron, the Sakyong, the
Shambhala Int. Board, the Acharyas, and
Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

Called out during walking
  Quietly vacating the procession
    Impermanence

A herald has news
  Best read soon, aloud; all’s
    Called out after final bows

Seeking skillful means from the lineage holder
  An old Buddhist nun retires her title, finally
    Impermanence, with less the viscosity of granite

She’s got cred on my street
  Best to listen, aloud; absorb
    She’s calling out sangha for change

Breakfast crowd turns myriad triads
  Most, not all on each’s Sakyong saga
    Fluid discourse around a tablecloth

After dishes, we each have our minds
  And multiple storylines ensue
    With each exhale, the universe changes
    The old me dies; a new me is born

 

  

Doctor Professor Mrs. Epstein

Sarah P. Mandel

Lincoln, Nebraska 1958/59

         My mother Elizabeth, who somehow knew the backstories of people’s lives without engaging in gossip or malice, told me Mrs. Epstein was not raised to be a woman. Her father believed she was a genius and he didn’t want to hold her back. She was supposed to be the physics world’s answer to Marie Curie. So she never learned how to keep house or dress attractively like the women in the Faculty Wives Club. She just studied and was brilliant.

         Elizabeth knew how to do all the things women were supposed to do, including getting dressed up. She had that Irene Dunne/Greer Garson kind of good looks – she’d managed to keep her figure even after three Caesarians.  But she didn’t have much time for Faculty Wives. She was a teacher and an artist with a large family consisting of her professor husband, four children and her parents. With Grandma supervising the kids and various cleaning ladies our household was well organized and reasonably clean.

         Mrs. Epstein was Professor Epstein and Doctor Epstein as well. I wish I knew her first name so I could look up her academic papers, but in those days children did not call their friends’ mothers by their first names. The abstracts of the scholarly papers of her husband, Saul T. Epstein are on the internet with titles such as Time Dependent Impulse Approximation and Causal Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics. I know his name because she called him that when she talked to her children. But they called him Daddy, and he called her Dear.

          Mrs. Doctor Professor Epstein, whom we will call Mrs. Epstein from now on for simplicity’s sake, went on to graduate work at MIT and her life was unfolding according to her father’s plan until she met Saul. Wham! Torrid romance among the slide rules and the girl genius in training became a wife and mother of three children, my eleven year old friend Joanne, aka Anniejo, and her little brothers David and Peter. 

         Our neighborhood was full of old houses, both fancy and plain, and Epsteins’ looked like the top two stories of the Addams Family mansion had been sliced off and plopped on the ground, Mansard roof and all. There were no curtains in the windows, just roller shades, and hardly any furniture downstairs, just a long wooden table with chairs around it. Also a piano with a bench for the boys who banged the keys and sang improvised comedy songs of the seven and nine year old variety. Since my brothers were about the same age, I experienced this behavior as normal and entertaining.

          Occasionally Mr. and Mrs. Professor/Doctor Epstein stepped out for the evening and since I was thirteen, I babysat. This consisted of enjoying the first half of a slumber party with the boys and Joanne. There was no TV and no couch and no rugs on the floor. The whole place was surprisingly clean- it was like dust could find no place to settle, so it flew out the front door like Mary Poppins. What might once have been a second parlor was now a study with two roll top desks covered with papers which must never be touched and two  wooden rolling chairs which the boys raced around the empty living room. The sole wall decoration consisted of telescopic photos of the cosmos – gorgeous blown up shots of nebulas, galaxies and clouds of stars gleaming in the dark vastness of the universe.

         Upstairs in the bedrooms, the boys had bunk beds. Standing on the top one they’d painted a flying saucer on the ceiling. It was a good one too, with aliens looking out the windows and waving hello. When I babysat, the boys ran around nonstop until they dropped and had to be steered staggering into their beds. Then Joanne and I hung out. She was grown up for her age, and fun to talk to. She had long blonde hair and blue eyes like mine and looked nothing like the rest of the family, with their thick dark hair and brown eyes. She said her Grandma was blonde.

         Joanne had a special friendship with Bill Chasen, who lived across the street and was also eleven. His dad, Dr. Chasen, was the head of the Physics and Astronomy Department. The Chasens lived in a three-story Victorian mansion with porches, balconies and an enormous attic. Inside that elegant exterior Mrs. Chasen created the most beautiful and welcoming house I’d ever seen, full of shining wood floors, oriental rugs, actual art on the walls, comfortable furniture, and the mouthwatering smell of perfect brisket. She could mix Martinis. “Bea Chasen knows how to entertain,” my mother said. Grandma poached her cleaning ladies.

         I dog sat for them when they went to Mexico, and explored the whole house at my leisure. I never touched things though, because Mrs. Chasen would have noticed. She liked to smoke and had a lot of lines in her face. She carried her hand-blown blue glass ash tray in her hand as she walked, explaining what Mitzi the cocker spaniel needed. She didn’t look very happy.

          My mother Elizabeth didn’t have time to worry about being happy. She taught hands-on art at Pound Junior High, on her feet all day in high heels, girdle and stockings, and was so tired when she got home that she collapsed across the bed in her good clothes and slept until dinner was ready. “I like a three-ring circus,” she said. She was a Gemini.

         But Mrs. Epstein was different. She laughed all the time and hugged her kids, and she didn’t appear to worry about anything. She could barely cook – it was store-bought potato salad, hot dogs and baked beans at their house, but they were Hebrew National dogs with mustard, and squirted deliciously when you bit into them.  Sitting at the table while the boys banged the piano she would join in, clapping and shouting with them, which made them even more excited. On Saturday afternoons they played cards and board games and slapped the table and everybody cracked up laughing.

         Of course, when Professor Saul T. Epstein was around we had to be quiet or play outside, as everyone understood that he was thinking deep and important thoughts and should not be disturbed in his process. His wife was happy about this as well because the two of them shared the joys of the highest reaches of astrophysics, abstract and abtruse thinking, and she understood exactly what he was up to. She dressed like a disheveled schoolgirl, wearing cardigans with occasional moth holes and somewhat wrinkled white blouses coming untucked from pleated plaid wool skirts, on her feet brown oxford shoes with little girl socks. Her legs were unshaven and her eyebrows unplucked and she got her hair cut at the same barber who did her boys. She never wore lipstick to go to church because she didn’t go to church, or to synagogue either, for that matter. She worshipped at the church of the giant mystery of the cosmos, and she was genuinely happy.