It is now about four months since my love of my life, my wife of 50 years, unexpectedly passed away from a brain cancer that roared out of nowhere. For most of these four months I can perhaps best describe my condition as being in shock, not knowing what to do, how to do it, or why. The question of “why” should I do anything is almost overwhelming. It turns out that we had grown so close over all those years that we were no longer separate individuals, we were “us” in very deep and important ways.

Now I find myself feeling much less “whole” that just 50%, it is much closer to 0% – I feel like I just don’t exist at all. There is nothing to strive for, nothing to care about, no purpose or goal worth pursuing. Not just “bla” but closer to empty.

However, I find that I am slowly getting past the recurring bouts of agonizing grief, having entire hours at a time without chocking up, crying, or just going into stunned silence. I am slowly starting to beginning to seriously ask the question of “what now?” I have been asking that since her death, but more as an agonizing cry with the answer being “nothing”. Now I am starting to wonder what I could, or should, but doing to get some sort of meaning back into my life. I am asking questions along the lines of “do I do things to please myself, or do I do things to help others, or is it best to try to please others?” Am I meditating every day with the goal of becoming personally “enlightened”, or would it be better to focus on the “enlightenment” of society? Should I be feather my own nest, or would it be better to attend to the feathers of others individually, or as a group?

During this time I rented a house in a nearby town so I could leave “our” home when it becomes overwhelming and go to a different environment. That has been helpful, but now I am finding myself wondering what sort of “forever home” I should be searching for. What are the things that I should be considering? Should I be worrying about a future of disabilities as an old man? If so, what would that look like? Is it even time to be considering a “final” home, and if not, how will I know when the time has come to make a choice?

I am still in mental limbo, I would describe it as “long covid brain fog” if I had covid, but so far I have skirted that. Thank goodness, I can’t image what it would be like to both of covid fog on top of the existential loss of my partner. I believe the term “existential” is correct in this situation, the “me” that existed as “we” no longer exists- all of a sudden the “me” that I recognized is gone. I need to find a new “me” and so far that has been slow in coming. I am at least starting to be curious about that that new “me” is going to be like. I was pretty familiar with the old one – but this is going to be something different. I have my fingers crossed in the hopes that I and my friends are happy with the new version.